by Abe Moy
No one gets married expecting to have marriage problems and get divorced. People are filled with hope when they say "I Do" to the person they love. However, the cold reality is that the divorce rate is very high and is rising every day. Dissatisfaction in a marriage happens early because couples become more disillusioned with their dreams when they do not become reality. Men and women used to think that they have to watch out for the infamous seven-year itch that comes after seven years of marriage. Now, couples need to watch out for the two-year (or even 6-month) itch.
So, what are the most common problems in marriage? Many individuals agree that these problems fall in these categories: fidelity, finances, loss of intimacy and boredom.
Unfaithfulness is the most notorious of all common marriage problems. Infidelity often remains undetected because people just refuse to believe that that can happen to them. People think that no one would ever be unfaithful to them because they are good looking or rich. But the sad fact is that many people don't even know they have this marital problem. One of the most common relationship problems related to finances is when one of the spouses is secretive about a financial situation. Any loans or debts that are hidden from a husband or wife, can undermine the crucial element of trust in a healthy marriage. Boredom, another marital problem, happens early on in a marriage. After the honeymoon is over, couples realize that married life is not that easy. Boredom in marriage originates from the habit of not devoting any time for the marriage, and instead focusing on day to day needs such as chores and work. Many couples, and especially couples with children often become concerned about the loss of intimacy. Relaxed intimate moments and romantic evenings are a thing of the past. This a serious marital problem, but definitely not impossible to resolve.
It is a known fact that most couples who have "perfect" marriages just know how to deal with marital problems effectively, and they make an effort to keep their relationship alive.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Communication Problems in Marriage
by Andrew Kristen
Communication is the key to maintain a good marriage. When couples face communication problems in their marriage, they will also face a breakdown in their relationship. Maintaining a good communication is one of the major marriage problems that people are facing today.
Without proper communication, it will also lead to misunderstandings. Many couples failed to understand the meaning of compromising each other. They start to argue when there is a difference in their opinion. Arguments are part of the marriage, an argument once in a while may let you understand each other better, but if it is a frequent thing, it is not going to keep the relationship healthy.
Sometimes, we have to understand that no two people are alike even if they are twins because each individual are unique in their own ways in term of their personalities and perspective in life.
We can solve communication problems in marriage by trying to find an effective way to communicate. Couples should learn to accept and understand each other better by sharing of ideas and knowledge. Never try to jump into conclusions immediately or be subjective about certain things. In order to communicate effectively, you have to learn how to be a good listener first. Learn to be appreciative towards each other, even if both of you have been married for years, you still can say some thankful words to your spouse. I am sure your spouse will feel good about you being appreciative.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Communicating effectively will need a great deal of effort and understanding to do it. If you want to solve the communication problems in marriage, you have to understand your wife or husband. Just give yourself this best chance to discover the most proven steps to communicate effectively.
Communication is the key to maintain a good marriage. When couples face communication problems in their marriage, they will also face a breakdown in their relationship. Maintaining a good communication is one of the major marriage problems that people are facing today.
Without proper communication, it will also lead to misunderstandings. Many couples failed to understand the meaning of compromising each other. They start to argue when there is a difference in their opinion. Arguments are part of the marriage, an argument once in a while may let you understand each other better, but if it is a frequent thing, it is not going to keep the relationship healthy.
Sometimes, we have to understand that no two people are alike even if they are twins because each individual are unique in their own ways in term of their personalities and perspective in life.
We can solve communication problems in marriage by trying to find an effective way to communicate. Couples should learn to accept and understand each other better by sharing of ideas and knowledge. Never try to jump into conclusions immediately or be subjective about certain things. In order to communicate effectively, you have to learn how to be a good listener first. Learn to be appreciative towards each other, even if both of you have been married for years, you still can say some thankful words to your spouse. I am sure your spouse will feel good about you being appreciative.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Communicating effectively will need a great deal of effort and understanding to do it. If you want to solve the communication problems in marriage, you have to understand your wife or husband. Just give yourself this best chance to discover the most proven steps to communicate effectively.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Great Marriage - Be Right Or Be Happy?
by Gloria Waite
I'm sure you've heard the saying: 'Would you rather be right or be happy?' Have you ever consciously made that decision?
If you want a great marriage, you'll have to drop the right vs wrong thing. It's lethal to a marriage or any love relationship. It takes the joy right out of the love.
It's not always a conscious choice for some people: Deciding whether you're going to point to--who's always right and who is always wrong. You may have been doing it for a while and not know it. You may not use those exact words, but the outcome is the same (if you're trying to be right): you're in a power struggle that no one ever wins.
First take a look at yourself. Do you need to be right? Think of a recent disagreement with your mate. Do you keep pushing your point of view? Do you have to have the last word? Are you trying to prove something?
Needing to be right is most often generated by a false sense of control--to keep away fears of being left, or worse yet, unloved. So we try to take control. I say false sense of control,because the right vs wrong battle is more likely to push someone away from you--the one thing you don't want.
It is difficult to feel love in the one-down position (you're right) and it's difficult to be loving if you're being the boss (I'm right).
Be Right or Be Happy is not just a saying. It really is a choice. You need to actually decide: Do I want to be right or be happy? And is my behavior supporting the choice I am making? If you would rather be happy, but are having trouble letting go of the habit of needing to be right, here are a couple of steps you can take, which may help you:
1. Why not practice being wrong? Practice saying that you're wrong. Think of it as a desensitization process. It's probably as hard to do as stopping smoking.
2. Don't use the right wrong language. Find other words, such as: Really? I didn't see it the way you saw it.
3. Focus on finding out why your spouse thinks or feels the way he/she does, rather than defending your point of view.
Be Right or Be Happy? Drop the right vs wrong thing? The choice is yours and it's one we have to make again and again in order to have a great marriage.
Gloria Waite is a an expert on love relationships, who gives no-nonsense love advice to singles and couples, men and women at JustAskGloria.com. People, who know Gloria, credit her success to 25+ years of experience as psychologist and her natural gift for 'getting it' right away and coming up with practical advice and solutions. In addition to her current online advice column.
I'm sure you've heard the saying: 'Would you rather be right or be happy?' Have you ever consciously made that decision?
If you want a great marriage, you'll have to drop the right vs wrong thing. It's lethal to a marriage or any love relationship. It takes the joy right out of the love.
It's not always a conscious choice for some people: Deciding whether you're going to point to--who's always right and who is always wrong. You may have been doing it for a while and not know it. You may not use those exact words, but the outcome is the same (if you're trying to be right): you're in a power struggle that no one ever wins.
First take a look at yourself. Do you need to be right? Think of a recent disagreement with your mate. Do you keep pushing your point of view? Do you have to have the last word? Are you trying to prove something?
Needing to be right is most often generated by a false sense of control--to keep away fears of being left, or worse yet, unloved. So we try to take control. I say false sense of control,because the right vs wrong battle is more likely to push someone away from you--the one thing you don't want.
It is difficult to feel love in the one-down position (you're right) and it's difficult to be loving if you're being the boss (I'm right).
Be Right or Be Happy is not just a saying. It really is a choice. You need to actually decide: Do I want to be right or be happy? And is my behavior supporting the choice I am making? If you would rather be happy, but are having trouble letting go of the habit of needing to be right, here are a couple of steps you can take, which may help you:
1. Why not practice being wrong? Practice saying that you're wrong. Think of it as a desensitization process. It's probably as hard to do as stopping smoking.
2. Don't use the right wrong language. Find other words, such as: Really? I didn't see it the way you saw it.
3. Focus on finding out why your spouse thinks or feels the way he/she does, rather than defending your point of view.
Be Right or Be Happy? Drop the right vs wrong thing? The choice is yours and it's one we have to make again and again in order to have a great marriage.
Gloria Waite is a an expert on love relationships, who gives no-nonsense love advice to singles and couples, men and women at JustAskGloria.com. People, who know Gloria, credit her success to 25+ years of experience as psychologist and her natural gift for 'getting it' right away and coming up with practical advice and solutions. In addition to her current online advice column.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Effective Stepfather
by Ron L. Deal
Anyone who has been a father and then a stepfather knows that they aren’t the same. While many aspects of these two roles are similar, it is the unique ones that lead to disillusionment. Franklin put it this way, “I’ve been to every Promise Keeper’s conference and I’ve studied fathering with my men’s group many times. But nothing has prepared me for being a stepfather. With my own kids I have a natural leadership authority that allows me to teach them and be directive. With my stepchildren I constantly feel like I’m one step behind, like I have to establish myself each time I engage them.”
Stepfathering can be challenging. Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities. The unmapped territory seems to have many land-minds and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy”. But stepfathers can have profound and important leadership roles with stepchildren. Like Joseph, who wasn’t Jesus’ biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care. Here’s a map for the territory and some practical action points for stepfathers.
Get a Lay of the Land
All stepparents need to understand the emotional climate of their stepchildren. Stepfathers are no different. For example, being aware of the child’s emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies. To learn more about this dynamic within children, read this serious of articles on Smart Stepparenting.
It is also very important that stepfathers recognize that gaining respect and leadership from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust and connection with stepchildren. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child’s life as an “outsider” who slowly finds acceptance, at the child’s pace. For many men it is very disturbing to realize that their stepchildren get to determine the pace at which they find acceptance in the family. And it’s true—you don’t get to control your parental status—the children do [1]. They will open their heart to you when they are ready. Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is. Here are some tools that might help.
Tools for the Stepfather Tool Box
* Initially Provide Indirect Leadership
There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships: 1) positional power and 2) relational power. Initially as a stepfather you have positional power because you are an adult in the house who is married to the children’s mother. Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power. As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally. Your opinions matters more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe.
In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide indirect leadership in their home by leading through their wife who holds a great deal of relational power with the children. Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home. While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.
* Express Your Commitment
Articulate your commitment to your stepchildren’s mother. Keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered positive by your stepchildren. In fact, they may be threatened by it. Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it. Additionally, mom’s remarriage (whether following a death or divorce) is often perceived as another loss to children, not a gain (as you see it). Be patient with their adjustment to your marriage, but communicate your commitment to the permanency of the marriage nevertheless.
* Communicate Your Role
It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role. Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place. Communicating that same understanding to their father is also very helpful to him; hopefully this will help him to not fear your involvement with his kids. As his fear decreases, his cooperative spirit about your presence may increase. Finally, tell your stepkids that you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for the child. Let them know that if they feel stuck between you and their dad, they can make you aware of it and it won’t hurt your feelings.
* Be a Spiritual Leader
Many stepfathers discover that sharing faith matters is, in addition to spiritual training for the child, a good way to connect emotionally. Processing the moral content of a TV program or “thinking out loud” about your decision not to spend money on a bigger fishing boat helps children see your character and learn important spiritual values at the same time. Show them you are a person worthy of respect and they’ll eventually give you respect.
* Be Approachable
As a therapist I always know I’m going to have a tough time helping a family when the stepfather is defensive and easily hurt by the typical reactions of stepchildren. Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you. In fact, most of a kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for child’s heartache). Until you have worked through the struggles of building a relationship most of what a kid throws at you is a test of your character. Show yourself not easily offended and able to deal with their emotional ups and downs. This will make it more likely that they see you as someone they can trust.
* Show Appreciation
If you want to win someone’s heart, give them a thousand compliments (even when they aren’t asking for it). Showing appreciation is the quickest way to build someone up and help them to feel comfortable in your presence. By contrast, be cautious with criticism. Words of affirmation go a long way to engendering safety and closeness.
* Spend Time Together
Find time to be with your stepchildren, but do so with wisdom. If a child does not welcome your presence, join his life at a distance. This means taking them to their soccer game and cheering from the sidelines, but not being too much of a coach. It also means knowing what’s important to him and gently inquiring with interest: “You studied for three hours last night for that science exam. How did it go?” “I know you’ve got a big date this Friday. I noticed a concert in the paper today that you might consider attending. I think she’d like this, but it’s your call whether you go.”
Also, if you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. Don’t disappoint a child who is deciding whether to let you into their heart or not.
As your relationship grows, you can spend one-on-one time with the child, go on special retreats together, and serve side-by-side in your church’s summer work camp. Focused time will deepen the trust and emotional bond in your relationship.
* Manage Stress and Your Anger
Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do). But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents. When stress and conflict arise (and they will!) make sure you manage yourself well. The child’s assessment of your character won’t include how they contributed to the conflict, even if they intentionally “pushed you.” All they will see is an angry person. Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk. Give them every reason to believe it is.
This, of course, does not mean that you can’t ever get angry or stressed. But it does mean that you manage your emotions and not overreact toward the child or her mother. Communicate through your actions that it is safe for the child to be vulnerable around you and you’ll notice them softening with time.
Anyone who has been a father and then a stepfather knows that they aren’t the same. While many aspects of these two roles are similar, it is the unique ones that lead to disillusionment. Franklin put it this way, “I’ve been to every Promise Keeper’s conference and I’ve studied fathering with my men’s group many times. But nothing has prepared me for being a stepfather. With my own kids I have a natural leadership authority that allows me to teach them and be directive. With my stepchildren I constantly feel like I’m one step behind, like I have to establish myself each time I engage them.”
Stepfathering can be challenging. Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities. The unmapped territory seems to have many land-minds and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy”. But stepfathers can have profound and important leadership roles with stepchildren. Like Joseph, who wasn’t Jesus’ biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care. Here’s a map for the territory and some practical action points for stepfathers.
Get a Lay of the Land
All stepparents need to understand the emotional climate of their stepchildren. Stepfathers are no different. For example, being aware of the child’s emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies. To learn more about this dynamic within children, read this serious of articles on Smart Stepparenting.
It is also very important that stepfathers recognize that gaining respect and leadership from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust and connection with stepchildren. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child’s life as an “outsider” who slowly finds acceptance, at the child’s pace. For many men it is very disturbing to realize that their stepchildren get to determine the pace at which they find acceptance in the family. And it’s true—you don’t get to control your parental status—the children do [1]. They will open their heart to you when they are ready. Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is. Here are some tools that might help.
Tools for the Stepfather Tool Box
* Initially Provide Indirect Leadership
There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships: 1) positional power and 2) relational power. Initially as a stepfather you have positional power because you are an adult in the house who is married to the children’s mother. Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power. As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally. Your opinions matters more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe.
In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide indirect leadership in their home by leading through their wife who holds a great deal of relational power with the children. Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home. While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.
* Express Your Commitment
Articulate your commitment to your stepchildren’s mother. Keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered positive by your stepchildren. In fact, they may be threatened by it. Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it. Additionally, mom’s remarriage (whether following a death or divorce) is often perceived as another loss to children, not a gain (as you see it). Be patient with their adjustment to your marriage, but communicate your commitment to the permanency of the marriage nevertheless.
* Communicate Your Role
It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role. Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place. Communicating that same understanding to their father is also very helpful to him; hopefully this will help him to not fear your involvement with his kids. As his fear decreases, his cooperative spirit about your presence may increase. Finally, tell your stepkids that you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for the child. Let them know that if they feel stuck between you and their dad, they can make you aware of it and it won’t hurt your feelings.
* Be a Spiritual Leader
Many stepfathers discover that sharing faith matters is, in addition to spiritual training for the child, a good way to connect emotionally. Processing the moral content of a TV program or “thinking out loud” about your decision not to spend money on a bigger fishing boat helps children see your character and learn important spiritual values at the same time. Show them you are a person worthy of respect and they’ll eventually give you respect.
* Be Approachable
As a therapist I always know I’m going to have a tough time helping a family when the stepfather is defensive and easily hurt by the typical reactions of stepchildren. Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you. In fact, most of a kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for child’s heartache). Until you have worked through the struggles of building a relationship most of what a kid throws at you is a test of your character. Show yourself not easily offended and able to deal with their emotional ups and downs. This will make it more likely that they see you as someone they can trust.
* Show Appreciation
If you want to win someone’s heart, give them a thousand compliments (even when they aren’t asking for it). Showing appreciation is the quickest way to build someone up and help them to feel comfortable in your presence. By contrast, be cautious with criticism. Words of affirmation go a long way to engendering safety and closeness.
* Spend Time Together
Find time to be with your stepchildren, but do so with wisdom. If a child does not welcome your presence, join his life at a distance. This means taking them to their soccer game and cheering from the sidelines, but not being too much of a coach. It also means knowing what’s important to him and gently inquiring with interest: “You studied for three hours last night for that science exam. How did it go?” “I know you’ve got a big date this Friday. I noticed a concert in the paper today that you might consider attending. I think she’d like this, but it’s your call whether you go.”
Also, if you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. Don’t disappoint a child who is deciding whether to let you into their heart or not.
As your relationship grows, you can spend one-on-one time with the child, go on special retreats together, and serve side-by-side in your church’s summer work camp. Focused time will deepen the trust and emotional bond in your relationship.
* Manage Stress and Your Anger
Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do). But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents. When stress and conflict arise (and they will!) make sure you manage yourself well. The child’s assessment of your character won’t include how they contributed to the conflict, even if they intentionally “pushed you.” All they will see is an angry person. Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk. Give them every reason to believe it is.
This, of course, does not mean that you can’t ever get angry or stressed. But it does mean that you manage your emotions and not overreact toward the child or her mother. Communicate through your actions that it is safe for the child to be vulnerable around you and you’ll notice them softening with time.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
When Kids Grow Up They Want to Be Happily Married!
“Popular thinking dictates that most children want to be astronauts or rock stars when they grow up. But it seems in reality their aspirations are far more down to earth. The most common childhood dream was to be happily married with a family . . . “
What can we as parents do to help our children fulfill their dreams of having a happy marriage and family? One thing would be to do our best to show them what a happy marriage looks like, as we go about creating a happy family. Kids who are raised in happy families have an easier time creating a happy family of their own. If your marriage isn’t happy, get some help to learn how to turn it around.
As you are raising your children help them develop the characteristics and skills that make it easier for them to be a good husband and father or wife and mother. Help your children develop patience and unselfishness. Help them learn to see things through someone else’s eyes.
Help them learn how to communicate their wants and needs and feelings. Help them learn how to serve others willingly and to find fulfillment in hard work. Help them learn to make sacrifices to help others.
Sometimes I find myself saying things to my children like, “Boy, your future wife/husband is going to love how helpful you are,” or “Aren’t you glad you know how to work, so that you’ll be a good parent when you grow up?” These and other comments help reinforce attitudes and behaviors that can lead them to create happier marriages.
Having a happy-marriage focus for your children as you raise them will help them be better prepared to fulfill their dreams of having a happy marriage and family when they grow up.
What can we as parents do to help our children fulfill their dreams of having a happy marriage and family? One thing would be to do our best to show them what a happy marriage looks like, as we go about creating a happy family. Kids who are raised in happy families have an easier time creating a happy family of their own. If your marriage isn’t happy, get some help to learn how to turn it around.
As you are raising your children help them develop the characteristics and skills that make it easier for them to be a good husband and father or wife and mother. Help your children develop patience and unselfishness. Help them learn to see things through someone else’s eyes.
Help them learn how to communicate their wants and needs and feelings. Help them learn how to serve others willingly and to find fulfillment in hard work. Help them learn to make sacrifices to help others.
Sometimes I find myself saying things to my children like, “Boy, your future wife/husband is going to love how helpful you are,” or “Aren’t you glad you know how to work, so that you’ll be a good parent when you grow up?” These and other comments help reinforce attitudes and behaviors that can lead them to create happier marriages.
Having a happy-marriage focus for your children as you raise them will help them be better prepared to fulfill their dreams of having a happy marriage and family when they grow up.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
10 Things to Know Before You Remarry
by Ron L. Deal, LMFT, LPC
Specializing in stepfamily therapy and education for over a decade has taught me one thing: couples should be highly educated about remarriage and the process of becoming a stepfamily before they ever step down the isle. Remarriage—particularly when children are involved—is much more challenging than dating seems to imply. Be sure to open your eyes well before a decision to marry has been made.
Eyes Wide Open
The following list represents key challenges every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you—and your children—will be grateful later.
1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.
No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.
2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.
Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind—and this is very important—that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, "Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that."
When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the steppparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly so make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16th; couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs).
3. Know how to cook a stepfamily.
Most people think the way to cook a stepfamily is with a blender ("blended family"), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these "cooking styles" attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.
The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman. (Read more about how to cook a stepfamily here).
4. Realize that the "honeymoon" comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.
Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good—and might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.
5. Think about the kids: "Yours and Mine"
Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.
6. Manage and be sensitive to loyalties.
Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an "emotional tug-of-war") and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.
7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do.
It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.
8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers.
Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids, but it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.
Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.
9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready.
No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent’s developing role (read this series of articles for more on stepparenting). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.
10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:
* It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
* It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
* You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
* You don’t have to love my new spouse, but you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
* You don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
* You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
* The stress of our new home will reduce—eventually.
* I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. I love you.
Specializing in stepfamily therapy and education for over a decade has taught me one thing: couples should be highly educated about remarriage and the process of becoming a stepfamily before they ever step down the isle. Remarriage—particularly when children are involved—is much more challenging than dating seems to imply. Be sure to open your eyes well before a decision to marry has been made.
Eyes Wide Open
The following list represents key challenges every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you—and your children—will be grateful later.
1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.
No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.
2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.
Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind—and this is very important—that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, "Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that."
When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the steppparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly so make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16th; couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs).
3. Know how to cook a stepfamily.
Most people think the way to cook a stepfamily is with a blender ("blended family"), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these "cooking styles" attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.
The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman. (Read more about how to cook a stepfamily here).
4. Realize that the "honeymoon" comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.
Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good—and might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.
5. Think about the kids: "Yours and Mine"
Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.
6. Manage and be sensitive to loyalties.
Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an "emotional tug-of-war") and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.
7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do.
It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.
8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers.
Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids, but it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.
Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.
9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready.
No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent’s developing role (read this series of articles for more on stepparenting). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.
10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:
* It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
* It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
* You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
* You don’t have to love my new spouse, but you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
* You don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
* You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
* The stress of our new home will reduce—eventually.
* I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. I love you.
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